From cerberus@phlegethon.com Mon Dec 24 12:50:28 2001
Hiya a.r.s,
... and even MORE Seasons Greetings to PTSC and Arnie Lerma and
Diane Richardson and Dennis Erlich and basicbasic and Wonderful
Russ and anybody else I forgot.
There seems to be a humor drought on a.r.s, so I thought I'd drop
in with a repeat of a Christmas-time colloquy from a.r.s WAY back
five years ago.  It seems appropriate to the season, and parts of
it ARE funny, especially the part where Cerberus mistakes
Prignillius for a girl.  
(I'm _still_l twitchy 'bout that little faux pas...  I don't think
it was my fault.  I mean, if usenet was designed for dogs, there
would be e-scent instead of e-mail, so such mistakes would be
impossible.  -- It's not such a bad idea y'know.  Aren't most
usenet discussions about what sex you are and how big you can pee?
-- And without e-scent it's easy to see how even a very OLD dog,
ignorant of Latin, wouldn't be able to tell that "Prignillius" is a
masculine name -- it's not like his name was something like "Bob"
or "Dick" or "Boudewijn" -- names that NOBODY who was sober could
EVER think belonged to a female.)
But I digress.  This is a re-post of one side of a 1996
conversation between Lars Westergren and Cerberus and various
interlopers, supposedly about David Alexander (alec@flash.net) and
the treatment of apostates from the Church of Scientology on the
newsgroup alt.religion.scientology, but mostly about nothing much.
Reposted for your amusement:  Send all threats, mail-bombs, and
other comments to me, please.  Lars had nothing to do with
re-posting this megillah.
INTRODUCTION: First Cerberus goes after David Alexander after David
went off his meds -- as is his wont, even today -- then Lars
chastised Cerberus for being so mean, and then things degenerate
from there until we both almost get arrested by an ARSCC traffic
cop.  Lars and I start out pretty testy with each other, but things
lighten up, and a Merry Solstice and a Happy Arbitrarily-designated
New Year is had by all.
I'm not sure if it's appropriate to re-post such things here –
advice and threats and punishment for netiquette violations will be
gratefully and humbly appreciated, and should be sent to
cerberus@phlegethon.com.
Best,
Cerberus
========begin re-post==============
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: Re: Is A.R.S. Opposing "Former" Scientologists?
From: cerberus@medusa.com (Cerberus)
Date: Sat, 21 Dec 1996 00:55:24 GMT
[posted & mailed to avoid being lost in the sporadic spam]
Hiya Alec,
"Alec" <alec@flash.net> admonished the nay-saying, nattering nabobs
of negativism on a.r.s. who have the weeny fortune to have _never_
been sucked into the Church of Scientology as follows:
>I have noticed that not only my posts explaining what is harmful--or not
>harmful--about COS 
Nonsense.  There is nothing harmful OR unharmful about the Church
of Scientology.  Why is it that apostates have so much trouble
seeing this one simple thing?  Or THAT one simple thing, for that
matter?  Or ANY one simple thing?  Huh?  Why?  
That's the trouble with a.r.s., it only has one simple thing, and
that's me.  And I, of course, am mythological and hence cannot be
seen.  
Which is not quite true.  I CAN be seen, but only by members of
Monty Python, and when that happens there's this awful explosion,
so what's the point?
What _was_ the point?  Oh yeah.  Alec thinks that former
Scientologists who testify on a.r.s....
 
>have been opposed by A.R.S. posters who are not former
>Scientologists, 
I disagree completely.  I am not a former Scientologist, and I
don't oppose you at all.  Except on this one point... uh, and the
one above. 
In fact, I've opposed you in _everything_ so far.  Don't know what
got into me.  Sorry.  I'll stop now.
By God, you're right, Alec!  We just can't seem to help it.
> but other former Scientologists have been hammered into
>non-response on the newsgroup.  (Reference the A.R.S. thread, "Yes, This
>Might Have Been A Support Group".)
I know how you feel.  I wanted to start a thread, "Yes, This Might
Have Been A Good Place to Mention My Truss," but I was scared the
never-Scientologists bigots would report me to Medusa, and if she
ever finds out how much time I waste on a.r.s., I'd NEVER be let
out of bed.  Since she specializes in turning certain of my body
parts to stone, I'd probably end up needing TWO trusses.  She's
into LRH sex management tech, and God, I just can't talk about it
any more... it's TOO depressing.
But enough about my problems.  Alec is gettin' down to cases.
>Diane Richardson, Paulette Cooper, Kim Baker, Larry Wollersheim, Arnie
>Lerma, Steve Fishman, and many others have been hammered by persons who
>insist on their invalidity--for their own determined reasons.  
Lessee.  I don't think Diane was _ever_ a Scientologist, though she
has been known to call one ex-Scientologist "sweetie" right in
front of God and everybody.  As far as I know, she's NEVER called
any of those of us who were never in CoS anything nearly as nice --
not even the damned dog <sigh>.  You apostates get all the chicks.
Paulette Cooper and Steve Fishman both seemed to mistake usenet for
a kind of ticker-tape parade in their honor.  Alas, you gotta watch
out for folks who throw the whole ticker along with the tape.
Actually, you'd do better to watch out for the people who sell you
on the idea that some newsgroup IS a parade in your honor, and
would you please step into this limo here and wave at the friendly
crowd?  I, for one, was never good at reverence, and I _always_
make rude noises at adulatory rites.  Alec, I sniffed around -- I
don't think I'm alone.
If Larry Wollersheim has _ever_ been on a.r.s. in person, I missed
it, so it's hard to see how he got suppressed.  In fact, he's so
regularly, transparently and hilariously dead-agented by OSA, I'm
gettin' pretty fond of him.  I'm sure if he showed up in person,
the whole OSA-generated effect would be ruined.
Kim Baker walked off under her own power after twisting herself
into a human pretzel.  I think she's earned a rest.  And if she
hasn't, the rest of us certainly have.
And Arnie Lerma... well, what can one say?  Arnie is my hero.
Anybody who gets thrown out of church for humping the pope's
daughter is my idea of a truly spiritual seeker.  Way to go Arnie!
And in case you didn't notice, Alec, Arnie is still here.  
>One poster, defended this action by pointing out that A.R.S. was started
>by a never-Scientologist.  
Yep.  But we gotta work up a name for the a.r.s. participants who
have never been involved with Scientology.  "Never-Scientologist"
sounds either like a Frenchman who's still in the CoS, or Sea Org
Lost Boys.  
How 'bout, "Anti-spiritual, Uniquely Miserable, Selfish,
Humor-abled Individuals Not Readily Involved in Kibology-like
Yahooism with Obsequiousness?"  Let's see, that comes out
"AUMSHINRIKYO."  We AUMSHINRIKYOs have no spiritual inquisitiveness
except about why it's dangerous to use the subway when our more
enlightenment-oriented brethren are lurking there.  
>There are those of us who have gained an expertise on COS Religious
>Malpractice through first-hand experiences endured.  Many of us have
>spent our entire lives pursuing religion, fervently leaving no stone
>unturned in our determination to find the way for ourselves and others. 
Y'know, Alec, about here some sneering AUMSHINRIKYO would point out
the definition of a "fanatic" as "a person who, having lost sight
of his goal, redoubles his effort."  
Consider that so far your only success in "fervently" disturbing
the lithosphere is to have lifted the large, flat rock of
Scientology -- AND failed to recognize immediately the nature of
the things that crawled out from under it.  Some folks won't
consider that a recommendation for the post of spiritual
pathfinder.  
Maybe you should consider a different line of work.  Better yet, be
a follower for a while.  
>Our guiding force is to "try all the doors--and the first one out 
>come back for the others".  
My guiding force is to avoid being guided by people who are
frothing.
>This lifestyle is extremely hazardous.  When we "step
>in it"--like we did in Scientology--we have to scrape it off, identify
>and rip out the implants gained, reorient, 
Nicely phrased, absolutely accurate, and so far, so good.
>and try the next door.  
Uh, no.  Now you sit down and relax and have a good laugh at
yourself.  You may be sure that others are -- so you might as well
join in.
>Timid individuals living in the safe and sane straight-jacket of conformity to
>the so-called norm, should back-fucking-off, and let us do our job.  
I don't want to quibble, Alec, but what "job" is that, and who,
exactly, hired you?  I want to have a word with him.  He seems to
have an M/U.
>Give us some credit for taking sanity risks that require real courage.  
<GGG>  Not yet.  You may qualify for a debit card, but you'll have
to stop hyperventilating.
>Thanks to courageous people who can sustain mental and spiritual 
>torment, mankind is coming ever closer to a genuine "Way" out of the 
>human experience.  
"Mental and spiritual torment?"  Geez Alec, I don't know what to
say, and damn it, Vaudeville is dead.  In fact, it's interred just
up the street from me.  Let's check in with it to see if it has any
wisdom to add to your "Way."
==========Enter Vaudeville=============
MR. BONES:  Doctah!  Doctah!  It hoits when I do dis!
DOCTOR:  Don' do dat.
==========Exit Vaudeville==============
Hmmm...  Whad'ya think, Alec?  It could work for you.
>Hubbard insidiously, and ingeniusly designed Scientology to
>simulate what he recognized as "what sells".  The fact that we bought
>it--even jumped at it--is to our credit.  
I can dig it, Alec.  I once jumped at a Book of the Month come-on
that offered Gibbon's _Rise and Fall..._ for practically nothing --
all I had to do was remember to send in the little cards each month
telling them I didn't want whatever idiot selection they were
featuring.  
You know what, Alec?  It turns out that _Rise and Fall_ had NOTHING
to do with monkey sex, and I forgot to send in my cards, and the
BotM Club NEVER featured ANY books on monkey or canine sex for the
WHOLE year -- and I ask you, what are the odds of THAT, huh?  I
think I was ripped off.
I too warned all my friends, but they just laughed at me.
Ingrates.
>To seekers who know what they
>are looking for, there is no shame in being fooled by a very clever
>counterfeit.
Fuckin' ay.  I bet Gibbon wasn't even a monkey.
>The reason we were fooled is because Ron Hubbard really did approximate
>what he observed Buddhists, yogis, hindus, psychotherapists, and many
>others had found throughout history.  There are elements embedded in
>Scientology that are known to many of us to be valid findings down
>through the centuries.  
Lemme see, Alec, you bought into the patent fraud of Scientology
because you are skilled at recognizing "valid findings down through
the centuries."  But... wait...  
Now *I* got a M/U.
>Criticism by cowards for refusing to flush
>everything that even smells like Scientology, is the stupidity of the
>blasse, elite, yuppie, bourgoisie--"comfort zoners".  
You tell us, Alec!  How could we be so stupid not to be so
stupid...uh, I mean, how could we not have risked our sanity for a
piece of blue sky...no, wait...  How could we stay in our
comfortable homes, sipping coffee from Starbuck's, indifferent to
the spiritual revelation that might even now drive us to drown our
dogs...
NO!  That's just too awful.  I'm sorry, Alec.  I think I just
flunked spirituality -- I don't think I can bring myself to dunk
the pooch.  I hope you understand.
> In case you have wondered why our sleeves are rolled, 
I _was_ wondering just that.  Y'know if you didn't wear your heart
on your sleeve, you wouldn't get rolled so often. 
>it is because we are willing to "get some on us" as we work.  
So spiritual seeking and sewage work have a lot in common, huh
Alec?  Somehow I knew that.
>So, get a hard-hat or get back.
"...to where you once belonged."
>We former-Scienos have our expertise.  We do recognize the expertise
>that many others have brought to A.R.S.  Unfortunately that recognition
>seems to be one-way.
Y'mean I should listen to your advice on spiritual matters because
you've been egregiously deceived, and soaked, and beaten up?
I dunno.  I like Dennis Erlich's take on the whole matter.  He
seems to have achieved some enlightenment by declining to either
follow or -- and get this, Alec -- lead in matters spiritual.  He
doesn't feel qualified, and consequently, he is.  
It's a paradox, Alec!  And both docs offer you the same advice --
"Don' do dat."
>It seems that while your precious "Net" was violated, our hearts and
>minds were violated.
But most of the AUMSHINRIKYOs are here only because of
Scientology's attack on the net -- and most of them will concede to
you the right to have your heart and mind violated in any way you
see fit.  As often as you like.  But they beg to be excused from
the festivities.  More ingratitude, I'm afraid.
>Persons who are too "Bright" to have fallen for COS propaganda will
>probably never fully appreciate what others have accomplished for them,
>but we are still willing to work with you in a common cause.
And that cause would be....?
>Those of you who seek to hold us to "Scientific Method" are forgiven
>your ignorance of religious qualities which evade physical laws.  
<GGG>  Thank you so much.  Physical laws are WOG laws!
> If you
>can satisfy yourselves with the traditional science of showing
>"predictability and repeatability", then you will tolerate our tenacity
>of embracing any elements from Scientology which comply with that test.
Which would be...  Wait.  It's on the tip of my tongue -- the one
Scientology tech that is predictable and repeatable....  hmmm....
ACK!  Alec!  You're gonna hire LAWYERS?  
[snippity snip]
>We can pool our talents against a common enemy, which denies religious
>freedom and freedom of expression.  COS does this in an action which Ron
>Hubbard labeled, "Domination by Nullification".  
That's nothing, Alec.  I was once dominated by a...  
Oh wait.  I think I just did what you said not to do.  Sorry.
>That's one example of a valid point by Ron Hubbard.  It seems the 
>"Hubb" was well aware of his suppressiveness.
Damn!  He sure conned me.  I thunk he was just a bad
science-fiction writer.  I feel such a fool...
Well, thanks for straightening an old dog out, Alec.  I've been
trying to figure out why certain people are drawn to Scientology
and others aren't.  I hadn't considered the possibility that people
who embrace Scientology are brave spiritual pioneers going where no
human has gone before in order to make MEST safe for the cowardly
slug-a-beds and stay-at-homes like me who haven't got the balls to
be totally wrong, mentally assaulted and financially ruined.  
You know what?  I think you're right.  Those kind of cajones, I
ain't got.  You're quite a man, Alec.  Take a bow.  Or maybe you
should just wave to the crowd.  We don't want a repeat of what
happened the last time you bent over.
Best,
Cerberus
_______________________
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers...
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap while any speaks
That fought with us upon Saint Crispin's day.
                  Henry V, Act IV, Scene 3
cerberus@medusa.com------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In Germany they first came for the insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultists, and I didn't
speak up because I was not an insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultist.  Then things got
MUCH better, and we're all fine now.  Thanks for asking."
            Pastor Martin Niemoller III (Germany, 1998)
    http://www.cybercom.net/~rnewman/scientology/home.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
========
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: Re: Is A.R.S. Opposing "Former" Scientologists?
From: cerberus@medusa.com (Cerberus)
Date: Wed, 25 Dec 1996 12:23:45 GMT
[posted and mailed]
Hey Lars,
Never met anybody named Lars before.  Usenet is SO cool.
Lars Westergren <lars.westergren.6545@student.uu.se> wrote all the
way from _Sweden_, ferchistsakes, just to help housetrain the dog
as follows:
>I thought that the Cerebus post was one of the
>cruellest and nastiest put downs I have ever
>read so far. 
Oh Lars.  You make my heart go pitty-pat when you talk like that.  
Y'know there's a lot of tension between the apparachniki of the new
Hell administration and the hold-overs like me.  They say those of
us who worked in Hades before Great Pan died just don't have the
moxie to be Satanic.  Medusa warned me that I'm pretty down-stat in
the Spreading-Misery Index (ALL Hell-management types use LRH tech
-- wouldn't be Hell without it), and that if I didn't have both
seniority and tenure, I'd have been booted out long ago by some
demonic MBA fresh out of Dis business school.
No moxie, huh?  Next time I'm gonna refer the pin-striped little
yuppie management weenies to Lars.  HE thinks I got what it takes
on the SMI.
> If Scientology had gotten their
>claws into me maybe 5-10 years ago when I was
>in my teenage depressions and something of a
>"searcher" for some truth or another, I would
>probably still be there. 
Hey Lars, wherever you go, there you are.
Y'know the way I read Alec@flash.net, he was, _inter_alia_,
claiming credit for his life experience both in and out of
Scientology.  Lars, I'm not sure Alec (who is actually David) would
appreciate your "There but for the grace of God go I" sympathy.
Indeed, he might prefer the scorn of Cerberus to such mealy-mouthed
pietism and condescension.
> So unlike Cerebus
>I dont feel like laughing at the former
>Scientologists on this group. 
Oh.  Huh.  Maybe if you drank more.  Works for me.
Besides, I feel like laughing all the time.  Would be rude to
exclude the ex-scientologists, don't you think?
Y'see Lars, I _like_ Alec.  I don't pity him.  I don't feel any
compulsion to guide him to a better way or make the world safe for
folks like him.  He stumbled across one of the many, many schemes
to force the world to be a better place -- the collision changed
him, and best of all, pissed him off.  Pissed off is a good place
to be.  I bet Alec deals with it sooner or later.
> But still I
>couldnt stop laughing at some of the jokes
>in his post. Hmm.
<GGG>  Things that make you go "hmmm....."   Sometimes it pays to
think about what makes you laugh, Lars.  Why do you suppose that
LRH tech expressly forbids "joking and degrading?"
>Anyway.
>Cerberus kore wa kakimashita:
Arigato for whatever you said there.  Sounds Japanese.  I know
Finnish is related to ancient Sumerian -- do the Swedes and
Japanese have something in common, too?  I mean something besides
being more civilized than the rest of us?
[some snippage]
>I for one first heard about Scientology and became
>interested in it when I read an article about
>their attempts to censor the net. 
Me too.  Way back in '95.  Geez the time flies.  Seems like it was
only a couple of years ago.
> After a while,
>when I started reading about Sea Org, PRF and the
>rest, the net stuff became less important. 
PRF?  Lessee.... Peoples' Revolutionary uh wait....  um
Fornication?  Geez, no wonder they wouldn't let me into SDS.
Not to worry, Lars.  I know you meant RPF.  And I meant to write
"Decline and Fall..."  where I, in fact, wrote "Rise and Fall..."
It's FUNNY, Lars.  Alec is funny, you're funny, I'm funny and
Scientology -- Scientology is funnier than ANY of us.  I love
Scientology.
If Scientology is destroyed (and I don't think it will be), it'll
be killed by humor, Lars -- humor that'll come over the net.  So I
guess I'll have to disagree with you here.  
I think the net is more important than the crimes committed upon
the people who got involved with Scientology, because the net
enhances what Scientology destroys  -- the people-ness that makes
folks valuable in the first place.  Scientology is not unique in
doing that -- though it may win awards for being the most boring --
it seems to come with the territory.
Scientology certainly isn't the most bloody movement of the genre.
During the Taiping, for instance, an _enormous_ number of people
jammed the Acheron loading dock -- most of them died because when
the younger brother of Jesus showed up in China, He couldn't resist
killing off the Holy Ghost and His followers because the HG got
uppity, and then the whole Heavenly Kingdom fell apart, and equal
rights for women took a big step backward.  I'm only summarizing
here, but believe me these folks make David Miscavige's little coup
d'etat look like a tea party.
In comparison, Scientology is relatively harmless,  though I do not
mean to denigrate the harm it does, nor the pain felt by its
victims.  What I like about Scientology is that it's so.... uh,
what's the word...  ILLUSTRATIVE.  When you illuminate the foibles
of Scientology, you throw an uncomfortable light on the seedy
underpinnings of all those other religions who have been pulling
the same scam for so long that they've forgotten it was a scam in
the first place.
The net, OTOH, brings out the individuality of us all, and since I
am a Greek daemon rather that one of those fanatic Christian demon
management-types who would downsize his dick if he thought it would
make his stats look better...  Wait.  Got foam all over the
keyboard there.  Start again.
Since I am a Greek daemon, I think individual efforts to do what
seems good are worthwhile and admirable.  Witness, for instance,
Keith Henson's head-scratching conviction that if he just fiddles
with the software enough, he can get US Justice (Version 1789.9
beta) up and working.  He won't succeed, of course, but doesn't the
fact that he made the effort do _you_ some good, Lars?  It makes me
feel just fine.  In fact, it makes me feel like laughing.
What Sceintology is doing is the same old, tired thing (tho' it
gets points for the novelty of the litigation tech).  The net is
new and unique in history.  It takes the individual efforts of a
few -- Dennis Erlich, brave Zenon, and others -- and makes them
available to all of us.  You don't think that's important?  No?
Damn.
Well hell's belles, Lars, since it's Christmas, I'll let you in on
a little secret.  You can try to save the world -- the usual route
is to join a bunch of other, similarly-inclined individuals and to
march around wearing the same clothing -- but the world is not
amenable to being saved by the likes of you and me.  You can't even
change it.  Nothing you do deliberately and according to some
ideology or religion will do any good.  You and Alec will probably
think that's the bad news.
The good news (fuck the SMI) is that the supply of angels in Heaven
is grossly over-estimated -- and Heaven subs people instead.  You
are an angel.  You have been an angel.  You can't help it.
Somewhere your life intersected with someone else's -- someone you
may not have even noticed -- and in that brief moment you did more
good than you could ever accomplish wearing the shiniest uniform
and marching all the way to Nanjing and back again.  
Whatever good you intend to do doesn't matter.  Whatever
unimportant thing you did in the last week or month that couldn't
possibly matter, that for some reason you can't forget, that you
didn't intend to do, is the work of angels.  That'd be you.
I only tell you this little secret Lars because Medusa was a little
too liberal with the Jack Daniels allowance this holiday season and
because you seem like a guy who is trying to do the best he can.
Listen to me.  You -- and Alec too -- are _already_ doing the best
you can.  Just do what feels right, and forget what the
behavior-fascists tell you.  Trust your personal integrity -- you
don't need a guide. But you just _might_ need the net.  And I
guarantee that _whatever_ you decide to do, right or wrong, it'll
come out funny.  
Huh.  Where'd that sermon come from?  I'm gonna be late to midnight
mass.  Gotta cut back on the sauce.
Oh well.  We've all been where we've been, done what we've done.  I
can't bring myself to pity the Scientology apostates, because I
can't muster the arrogance to do so.  Lars, you seem to think pity
is therapeutic, and that laughter isn't.  I personally can't see
how, but hey, I'm just a dog.  I'll take your word for it.
>The
>reason I posted my first post about Scientology and
>the U-man company was that I felt sorry for
>the poor bastards who have been sucked in and
>I thought that I would do my best to help others
>from being conned.
Uh huh.  What do you suppose Alec wants most Lars -- my japes or
your pity and guidance?  Let's ask him.
>I had gotten the impression that there were others
>who had gotten here the same way, but maybe I was
>mistaken.
Keen!  Do that again!  I _never_ could master the trick of holding
my nose and typing at the same time.  Humans are so clever.  I
always start snickering when I try, then I spill Jack out my nose.
<GGG>
It's fun being alive, ain't it?  Dream it up the way you want it to
go, Lars -- it don't last forever.  
Happy Holidays.
Cerberus
_________________
O God, I could be bounded in a nutshell,
And count myself a king of infinite space,
Were it not that I have bad dreams.
            Hamlet, Act II, Scene 2
cerberus@medusa.com------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In Germany they first came for the insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultists, and I didn't
speak up because I was not an insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultist.  Then things got
MUCH better, and we're all fine now.  Thanks for asking."
            Pastor Martin Niemoller III (Germany, 1998)
    http://www.cybercom.net/~rnewman/scientology/home.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
========
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: Re: Is A.R.S. Opposing "Former" Scientologists?
From: cerberus@medusa.com (Cerberus)
Date: Tue, 31 Dec 1996 14:55:59 GMT
[posted & mailed]
                            PRESENTING:
THE CONVERSATION OF LARS AND CERBERUS
BEING A LENGTHY discussion, with many cheerful
digressions and personal asides, concerning the issue of whether
ex-Scientologists still fuddled by and dependant upon the "tech"
of L. Ron Hubbard deserve our pity or our scorn.  The answer,
"Neither," seems to escape the notice of both participants in the
following -- and be warned -- LONG dialogue.
CHAPTER 1 -- CERBERUS IS SKEPTICAL OF SATANIC
TECHIES, BUT ENJOYS QUANTUM MECHANICS
Hiya Lars,
Sorry to take so long answering -- the holidays keep us pretty
busy.  
Lars Westergren <lars.westergren.6545@student.uu.se>
sullenly, aloofly and Swedishly wrote in better English than I
could ever master: 
>Cerberus wrote:
[snip]
>> Never met anybody named Lars before.  Usenet is SO cool.
>Yeah! Its not every day you can hold a conversation
>with a supernatural dog.  ;-)
Oh, it ain't as unusual as you'd think.  There are an
ENORMOUS number of demonic entities on-line.  'Course they
all have work-stations and 19" screens and high-speed modems
and whatnot so they can upstat the Spreading Misery Index
(SMI) in preparation for the Final Battle or the Coming of the
Marcabs or whatever you care to call it.
All *I* ever got was an old 486SX, a 1200 baud modem and an
AOL disk I fished out of the trash -- until Medusa picked up my
option.  Humph.  I'm as willing to spread despair and misery as
the Dis MBA demon yups -- can I help it if dogs got no talent
for depression?
[some snippage lest we win Whippersnapper Bandwidth-wasting
Lifetime Achievement Award in a run-away]
>> Hey Lars, wherever you go, there you are.
>_Unless_ you are a quark. If you are, according
>to the quantum uncertainty principle, you are
>everywhere you could go, unless someone happens
>to be watching, which in case you go to where
>you most probably should be. Or something.
It's a good rule to live by.  When I'm feeling particularly
quarkish, I visit females whose husbands are not watching.  I just
HATE it when they see me somewhere I probably should not
have been, so I try not to be there.  
I think it's great that quantum physicists are finally uncovering
true force that underlies the E-M force, the Weak Force, the
Strong Force, and Gravity --  Particle Adultery.
>I wonder what opinion Ron would have about that?
Reportedly, LRH _liked_ the husbands to watch him make
moonchildren with the Old Ball and Chain.  Ugh.  How
unnatural.  No wonder he flunked physics.
CHAPTER 2 -- LARS SPECULATES ON THE
UNCERTAINTY PRINCIPLE
>> Y'know the way I read Alec@flash.net, he was, _inter_alia_,
>> claiming credit for his life experience both in and out of
>> Scientology.  Lars, I'm not sure Alec (who is actually David)
>> would appreciate your "There but for the grace of God go I"
>> sympathy.
>You mean to tell me that I am a condescending smug 
> bastard sometimes? Maybe I am. I don't know.
Oh rats.  Lars, you're no fun at all.  You CAN'T be a
condescending, smug bastard if you admit to the possibility that
you might be one.  It's just more applied physics.  We _know_
for instance, that Newton was a condescending, smug bastard,
whereas Heisenberg was reputed to be a nice guy.  And
Heisenberg was uncertain.  Get it?
CHAPTER 3 -- WHEREIN LARS AND CERBERUS
ACCIDENTALLY STUMBLE BACK UPON THE TOPIC OF
THIS THREAD
[more snippage]
>> Besides, I feel like laughing all the time.  Would be rude to
>> exclude the ex-scientologists, don't you think?
>Yes. But I thought your previous letter was more a
>"scorn" type of laugh than a "it's a crazy world
>so why not laugh" laugh. 
True enough.  Alec@flash.net was busy flaming those of us who
have never been involved with Scientology for failing to
recognize the pioneering spirituality of the apostates -- at least
they were willing to try.  What's the old saying? -- "It was a
brave man who first ate an oyster."  Makes you wonder what
else he ate, huh?
Anyway, Hell's rules are that demonic denizens may offer good
advice _only_ if you make it utterly unpalatable -- otherwise
folks might take it.  
And he didn't.  You'll notice that Alec is _still_ insisting that
the world join him to perform the Herculean labor of rummaging
through the stable of LRH's mind.  Despite my scorn and your
pity, something about the massive output of LRH (the aroma?)
has utterly persuaded Alec to shovel away as
merrily as a disappointed child at Christmastime who is
convinced that under all that fetid egesta, there _must_ be a
pony.
Lars, take it from me.  Hercules doesn't notice pity OR scorn --
too busy watching the mirror to make sure he looks heroic.  You
pity him.  I bit him on the ass.  Same difference.
>When people have been
>through something really bad they can
>usually laugh about it afterwards. But it might
>take a couple of years to get there. 
Maybe if Alec molds all that awful offal into the shape of pony
and postulates _real_ hard....
We all -- you, me and Alec -- do what we can.  Sometimes pity
unbends a bent mind.  Sometimes a journey of 1000 miles begins
with a swift kick to the fundament.  But mostly, it doesn't.  
CHAPTER 4 -- A DISCUSSION ON CIVILITY IN WHICH
CERBERUS CONCEDES DEFEAT AND DE EARS TO
LARS.  OLE'.
> And if
>people laugh hard at them before they have gotten
>over it, it just makes them feel worse. 
Well, yes.  That's the general idea.  I think it's cruel of you,
for another instance, to speak so civilly to me when I'm just
trying to do my job.  Do *I* make fun of the fact that you don't
seem very sullen and withdrawn for a Swede?  Huh?  Do I?
Oh.  Wait.  I already did.  Damn.  I'll _never_ get the hang of
Satanic propaganda.  I miss the old days -- Hades never cared if
the clients were regressed in their spirituality before we plunked 
'em in the torture devices.
>At least
>that's what it felt like for me. (Nothing to do
>with scientology in my case though)
And then you felt better, right?  Some demon is in Hell's RPF
'cause of you, Lars.  
>> Y'see Lars, I _like_ Alec.  I don't pity him. I don't feel any
>> compulsion to guide him to a better way or make the world
>> safe for folks like him.  He stumbled across one of the many,
>> many schemes to force the world to be a better place -- the
>> collision changed him, and best of all, pissed him off.  Pissed
>> off is a good place to be.
>
>Definitely. For a while.
Would you quit being so agreeable?  People are gonna start
dozing off.  This isn't a remake of "The English Patient," y'know.
[more snippage of Lars being disgustingly civil]
CHAPTER 5 -- IN WHICH THE PARTICIPANTS IN THE
DIALOGUE WANDER FROM THE TOPIC LIKE
DEMENTED FINNO-UGRICS LOOKING FOR LOST
RELATIVES.
>> I know Finnish is related to ancient Sumerian 
>It is??
Sure.  Finno-Ugrian.  The language grouping started out on the
steppes in the midst of a swarm of Indo-Europeans.  Around
3500 BCE the Sumerians went south.  Somewhat later, the
Finns went north.  Both seemed interested in reaching the
nearest salt-water harbor -- I wonder why?  Then in the late 9th
century, the Magyars came storming into the HRE, probably
searching for salt water, and eventually settled in Hungary.  
>>-- do the Swedes and Japanese have something in common,
>> too?  I mean something besides being more civilized than the
>> rest of us.
>Ummm.... Countries are approximately the same size.
>(One fourth of California I think)
And both countries conquered areas six or seven times their own
surface area.  Don't be modest, Lars.
>Both nationalities seem to be quiet, withdrawn
>and "emotionally distant" according to foreigners.
>(Stuck up bastards maybe some would say)
But occasionally _very_ gregarious.  Who can forget those
scenes from history of Japanese romping with the Chinese or
Gustavus Adolphus with the Imperials?
And bastard ain't bad -- Jesus was a bastard.  I'm a SOB myself.
>Used to be two of the safest and richest countries
>in the world until the 90's came down on us and our
>economies like a ton of bricks. 
Thank God you were all driving those huge, tank-like cars, huh?
>Both languages sound
>really funny and have complicated grammars. 
I had a complicated grammar until the relatives all decided it was
time to put her down and get on with probate.
>And at
>least Swedes are usually considered quite uncool
>and dorkish by others. And we are. I mean, Ace of Base?
>Roxette? Volvo? *ack*
You're too melancholy Lars.  That's pretty Danish of you.
But I disagree.  _Some_ people might say Gustavus Adolphus
was a Leutzer, but *I* would never make such a bad pun.
CHAPTER 6 -- IN WHICH CERBERUS BECOMES
ALARMED AT THE EXCESSIVELY-SWEDISH WILD
LOOK IN LAR'S EYES AND DECIDES TO BECOME THE
DESIGNATED-DRIVER FOR THE REST OF THE
DIALOGUE
[snip]
>> If Scientology is destroyed (and I don't think it will be), it'll
>> be killed by humor, Lars -- humor that'll come over the net. 
>> So I guess I'll have to disagree with you here.
>_I_ agree with _you_ here, so you must have misunderstood
> me somewhere. When I read about Ron and the OTs
> and think that people actually believe that stuff I am howling
> with laughter. Whenever I think about Scientology I laugh
> really hard, and then I start screaming really loud at the same
> time.
Um, okay.  Look, you're not gonna depopulate Germany again,
are you?
>But people always sort of look funnily at me when I do that
>so I try not to do that very often.
I'll bet.  It took the Russians 10 years and a couple of armies to
get over Charles XII.  They're _still_ watching you, Lars.
>> What Scientology is doing is the same old, tired thing (tho' it
>> gets points for the novelty of the litigation tech).  The net is
>> new and unique in history.  It takes the individual efforts of a
>> few -- Dennis Erlich, brave Zenon, and others -- and makes
>> them available to all of us.  You don't think that's important? 
>> No?  Damn.
>Of course I think its important! Why do you think I
>went all the way to Stockholm to see Zenons pad
>getting raided?
That's low, Lars -- pullin' rank on me with your multi-lingual,
high-toned, city galas in honor of Scientology when you _know_
I'm stuck here in the Styx.  Sure, I got all the kibble and
gruntled postal workers I can eat, but hey, I'd like to party
with Zenon too.  
I'd ask you to have some pity, but frankly, I think you've had
enough.  I'm takin' your car keys.
CHAPTER uh, lemme check.  Oh yeah, 7 -- IN WHICH LARS
AND CERBERUS PAVE THE WAY WITH GOOD INTENTIONS.
>> Well hell's belles, Lars, since it's Christmas, I'll let you in on a
>> little secret.  You can try to save the world -- the usual route
>> is to join a bunch of other, similarly-inclined individuals and
>> to march around wearing the same clothing -- but the world
>> is not amenable to being saved by the likes of you and me. 
>> You can't even change it.
>If I take up a stone and throw it, the world has changed from
>how it looked like before. I have changed it a little bit. 
True enough.  Don't know what got into me there -- sermonizing
and whatnot.  In fact Lars, it is only a matter of perspective that
causes us to limit ourselves to the limits of skin and bone.  It is
just as "real" to say that you are a being as many light-years wide
as twice your age.  And growing.
>Maybe
>it doesn't matter in the long run, but I try to change
>the world for the better wherever I can. I believe in the worth
>of the individual just as much as you do. 
Probably more.  
>I don't think I can
>affect many people, nor do I want to. It's damn hard enough
>to make my own life work out. I just try to help whenever
>I can, because I would never had made it this far without
>the help of others.
And vice versa.  
>> Whatever good you intend to do doesn't matter. 
>I disagree here actually. But hey, I am just a
>human, what do I know?
Should have said that "whatever _specific_ good you intend." 
Good intentions do matter.  
I'm lifting this stuff verbatim from the "Satanic Handbook for
Paving" -- can't vouch for it personally.
CHAPTER 8 -- WHERE WE FIND THAT CERBERUS IS "NI
MARX, NI JESUS" BUT MOSTLY DOG
>> Whatever unimportant thing you did in the last week or
>> month that couldn't possibly matter, that for some reason you
>> can't forget, that you didn't intend to do, is the work of
>> angels.  That'd be you.
>I think that was the first time someone except my mom
>called me an angel. It makes me feel all warm and squishy
>inside.  .-)
Oh Geez.  There go my SMI stats.  Medusa is gonna want a
piece of my ass -- but then she always does.  
>> I only tell you this little secret Lars because Medusa was a
>> little too liberal with the Jack Daniels allowance this holiday
>> season and because you seem like a guy who is trying to do
>> the best he can.  Listen to me.  You -- and Alec too -- are
>>  _already_ doing the best you can.  Just do what feels right,
>> and forget what the behavior-fascists tell you. 
>I try to.
Stop it.  Yer killin' me.
>> Trust your personal integrity -- you don't need a guide.
>I try to.
I can hear Medusa now.  "The advice -- if it is good advice -- is
_supposed_ to be completely unpalatable.  If they can take good
advice from you, you might as well be an angel."  Then she'll get
out the rolled-up newspaper and her leather bustier and
housetrain the dog some more.
Well, pfaw.  I can take it.  What the hell is an angel except a
demon with a badge?  What's a demon except an angel with an
attitude?  How do the Serbs know someone is a Croat?  Baggy
pants?  Nose hair?
It's a distinction without a difference.  Boy, I miss the old
administration of hell.
CHAPTER 9 -- WHERE LARS AND CERBERUS ALMOST
STUMBLE BACK ON TOPIC
>> But you just _might_ need the net.
>Its a humourous place. It is a good tool. It might
>not hold all the answers. If there are any answers...
What was the question?
>> And I guarantee that _whatever_
>> you decide to do, right or wrong, it'll come out funny.
>Or as the zen monks say: Its not true unless it makes
>you laugh.
And maybe not even then.  Laughing is true, though.
>> Huh.  Where'd that sermon come from?  I'm gonna be late to
>> midnight mass.  Gotta cut back on the sauce.
>> 
>> Oh well.  We've all been where we've been, done what we've
>> done.  I can't bring myself to pity the Scientology apostates,
>> because I can't muster the arrogance to do so.
>Don't you think that you are overreacting a bit?
>Margery Wakefield went through a schizofrenic
>episode, and then Scientology picked her up
>when she was vulnerable and screwed up her
>mind even more.
Uh huh.  And Alec is apparently on Scientology automatic-pilot. 
I still think pity doesn't do much good.  
>Again and again she got fucked over, and was
>it really her fault? 
Only in the abstract.  I been mullin' at this.  Scientology seems
to attract a certain personality type -- people who can't get into
the foot-washing and abasement of Christianity -- people who get
too much pleasure out of being right and lording that rightness
over others.  That personality aspect -- inexpertly expressed -- is
the only common trait I can see in the selection of Scientologists
and apostates we have on a.r.s.  Most of them speak of their
desire for self-improvement, then of a desire to move up through
the dynamics to the improvement of mankind.  But I think the
underlying motivation is not the improvement of humanity's lot,
but self-promotion over the heads of others.  They are all
attracted to the idea of being the biggest thetan.
So yeah, I think some of what happened to Margery is her own
fault.  And I bet she does, too.  
>The deck was really stacked
>against her from the start. 
Uh huh.  Stacking the deck is one way to scam money out of
trusting folks.
>She probably does just
>fine without my pity but I cant help feeling sorry
>for her and people like her. 
Alec feels sorry for you because you haven't had the guts to go
out and seize the Truth and wrestle with it until one or the other
of you gets the best of it.  Even though he lost the bout, at least
he tried.  And he's willing to try again and again.  
How does it feel to be the object of Alec's pity?
Ptui.  I never developed a taste for it myself.
>How many humans through
>history have had the comfortable, safe, loving,
>opportunity-filled life that I have had
>so far? Every day I thank the
>world because I have been so damn lucky in
>my life.
Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....  What?  You done, Lars?  <yawn --
stretch>  Every day, huh?  <GGG>  Vey.  Sounds almost --
y'know, cultish.
<scratches behind an ear>  Lars, you almost make me want to
wish you bad luck.  I get the feeling it might make you feel
better.
>Arrogance? mealy-mouthed pietism and condescension?
No thanks.  I'm trying to quit.
(I _know_ I used that joke before -- don't write, don't call)
>Ok. If you say so. *Shrug* I never meant it
>that way.
Ah, but what you mean and what you do are two different
things.  I'm sitting here translating.  All I can figure out is
that you pity Alec, Alec pities you, and you think he may be right
to do so, but you're not sure because your life is so rich and
full, you may not be qualified to judge.  
I'm getting a headache.  Somebody get me six aspirins.
[snip]
>> Uh huh.  What do you suppose Alec wants most Lars -- my
>> japes or your pity and guidance?  
>I would take pity any day. Pity is easy to ignore, but
>when someone is mean to me my lower lip starts to tremble.
<GGG>  Sissy.
But I'm confused.  We shouldn't disturb Alec in his loon crusade
across the newsgroup?  Whyever not?
CHAPTER 8 -- IN WHICH LARS AROUSES CERBERUS'
SUSPICIONS AGAIN, BUT BAFFGABBLES HIM BACK
INTO A CONDITION OF CONFUSION, AS BEFITS SUCH
A DEGRADED BEING
>But hey, I'm a wimp. (And I _don't_ want to guide anyone.)
<narrows eyes>  You're just saying that until you can get your
hands on Poltava again.
>> Let's ask him.
>Alec? Any comments?
Not yet.
>> >I had gotten the impression that there were others
>> >who had gotten here the same way, but maybe I was
>> >mistaken.
>> 
>> Keen!  Do that again!  I _never_ could master the trick of
>> holding my nose and typing at the same time.  Humans are so
>> clever.  I always start snickering when I try, then I spill Jack
>> out my nose.  <GGG>
>I am not sure I understand this. Sometimes I am slow
>at understanding irony, especially in a foreign language.
You may be slow -- I'm utterly stopped.  In this avatar, I speak
only Yankee English and some French.  And the French insist
that French is NEVER (jamais!) a foreign tongue, so I guess I'm
monolingual twice.
Lars, your command of English is spectacular.  I'm impressed. 
I'm even intimidated.  Take Poltava if it means that much to you.
>You seem to think that I meant it in a condescending,
>arrogant, hurt-pride, I know better than all of you way.
Yeah, you got it.  
>Or?
Or what?  Step outside?  
>I meant, "people have different reasons for being here.
>Some are sure to have different from mine. I don't know if
>theirs is much better or worse than mine. I _thought_ there
>were others who felt the same way I did (Zenon for
>instance). But maybe I was wrong. I have been wrong
>many times before. So be it, I am not going to change
>my opinion right away for that".
I get dizzy just reading this paragraph.  I've completely forgotten
what we're talking about.
>Is this better? Or am I being arrogant again?  :-)
You're dazzling.  Near as I can parse it out, you believe:
a.  There are lots of people here for lots of reasons.
b.  Some of their reasons for being here are different than mine.
c.  I am incapable or unwilling to venture a guess whether my
reasons -- the ones that differ from theirs -- are better or worse.
d.  I thought there were others who shared my reasons for being
here, but it is possible that there are none.
e.  I have been wrong before, a depressing number of times.
f.  Nevertheless, I am going to stick to my reasons for being here
-- so there Mr. Smarty-pants Talking Dog -- even though I am
unwilling to say that my reasons are better, you may infer that I
think they are or else why would I prefer them over other
reasons?
I give, Lars.  Uncle.  I couldn't have worked all that out even in
French.
CHAPTER 9 -- A HAPPY ENDING
[snip previous pleasantries]
>> Happy Holidays.
>You too! Thanks for the letter. It was the longest and most
>thoughtful I have gotten in a long time. 
Thank you.  We seem to have progressed from potential
animosity to total confusion.  I think they call that diplomacy.
> It never hurts to think a little about your life and 
> your motivations.
Are you sure?  I heard Kierkegaard was assassinated by an irate
copy editor with a headache.  Which reminds me -- where the
hell IS that aspirin?
EPILOGUE
Happy New Year, Lars, and to anyone who managed to work
his way all the way down to this end of all this tome of
squandered bandwidth, refusing to believe that people can be so
rude as to just go on and on and barely touch the subject of
Scientology when the newsgroup is _named_
alt.religion.scientology, ferchristsakes!  
Yes, they can.  That's 30.
Cerberus
__________________
Another damned thick, square book!  Always scribble, scribble,
scribble, eh, Mr. Gibbon?
        Prince William of Gloucester, brother of George III,
        upon being presented with the second volume of
        _Decline and Fall..._
cerberus@medusa.com------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In Germany they first came for the insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultists, and I didn't
speak up because I was not an insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultist.  Then things got
MUCH better, and we're all fine now.  Thanks for asking."
            Pastor Martin Niemoller III (Germany, 1998)
    http://www.cybercom.net/~rnewman/scientology/home.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
========
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: Re: Is A.R.S. Opposing "Former" Scientologists?
From: cerberus@medusa.com (Cerberus)
Date: Thu, 02 Jan 1997 18:10:28 GMT
[posted & mailed]
Lars Westergren <lars.westergren.6545@student.uu.se> wrote:
>Cerberus wrote:
>> 
>> [posted & mailed]
>> 
>>                             PRESENTING:
>> THE CONVERSATION OF LARS AND CERBERUS
>Waaaaah! I laughed until my belly hurt when I read
>this one. I wasnt rolling on the floor laughing,
>but close enough. *wipes tears from eyes*
I knew it.  I'm gonna get fired.
>Thanks a lot Cerebus, this was the best way I could
>have ended 1996. I love you!
Uh oh.
>No...not that way! Get off my leg! Ahhhh!
In yer dreams, Lars.  I'm NOT that kind of dog.
>> I think it's cruel of you, for
>> another instance, to speak so civilly to me when I'm just trying
>> to do my job. 
>This is a good one (almost a reverse of our situation):
>Machosist: (Crawling on floor) "Kick me! *gasp* Hurt me!
>                              Torture me!"
>Sadist: (Crosses his arms and smiles evilly) "No....."
Oh, I get it.  You're being cruel.  Well then, that's better.
Medusa's still gonna paddle my ass fer giving good advice without
wrapping it up as a scorn-dog, but she always does.
>> I'm lifting this stuff verbatim from the "Satanic Handbook for
>> Paving" -- can't vouch for it personally.
>I like "The devils dictionary" myself. Its available somewhere
>on www.geocities.com.
From the guy who ducked behind a donkey in Mexico and disappeared?
Yeah, he's pretty funny, but he should've known better.  I saw the
donkey show in Tiajuana once.  Those things are dangerous.
>After reading this and more from Alec, I have
>concluded that you were right. 
Maybe.  Alec seems to enjoy trolling for a mauling.  He's out
baiting the net mavens even as we speak.
>Oh..right,
>I shouldnt be so civil. Wait....ok.
>AAAHHHAHH! BUNGHOLE!!!BUNGHOLIO! YOU SUCK!!
>Better?  :-)
Lars!  What about your withdrawedness?  What about your sullenness?
You can't just go around wishing the fate of Ambrose Bierce on
perfect strangers, and maintain your Swedish tech'edness (which
seems to have almost as much "ness"ness as Scientology.)
Figgers.  I been on a.r.s. for two years now, and all I've managed
to do is rescue one guy from Swedishness.  Well, it's a start, I
suppose -- they both begin with "S".  Doesn't bode well for my
career as preacher of misery and despair, though.  Shit, I'll
_never_ get promoted off the loading docks.
Well, fuck it.  Since the Great Pan died and the New Administration
took over, things have been relentlessly ideological around Hell.
Bunch of double-speaking, mealy-mouthed, psalm-slinging
apparachniki and nomenklatura demons clattering through the streets
of Dis, all dispraising the coming salvation.  I don't care what
the Party-line says -- it is unreasonable to expect a dog --
especially an _old_ dog left over from the last administration --
to learn the missionary position.  Even if he does, he won't be
very good at it.  
>Ah, enough of this. Now I am leaving for
>the new years party. Happy new year all!
>*Meeeeeeeeep!*
Happy hangover.  I hope you are cheerfully sullen and withdrawn.  
That being said -- and noting that the relavance of these missives
to Scientology hangs by a thread -- I hereby declare that this
thread has acquired enough rope to be well and truly hung (kinda
like one of them Tiajuana donkeys).   Been a pleasure, Lars.
I hereby clamp down on my corncob pipe, and declare these
procedings at an end.
Cerberus
____________________
I am gone for ever! [Exit pursued by a bear]
         The Winter's Tale, Act III, Scene 3
cerberus@medusa.com------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In Germany they first came for the insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultists, and I didn't
speak up because I was not an insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultist.  Then things got
MUCH better, and we're all fine now.  Thanks for asking."
            Pastor Martin Niemoller III (Germany, 1998)
    http://www.cybercom.net/~rnewman/scientology/home.html
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
========
Newsgroups: alt.religion.scientology
Subject: Re: Is A.R.S. Opposing "Former" Scientologists?
From: cerberus@medusa.com (Cerberus)
Date: Thu, 09 Jan 1997 01:13:38 GMT
Officer Prignillius, operating as nobody@huge.cajones.com (Huge
Cajones Remailer) and without reading us our rights or even her
e-mail address, turned on her red light and siren, pulled over a
couple of noisy holiday revelers and wrote them up as follows:
[snip Cerberus' smarmy bullshit about angels and whatnot]
>And down in the midst of article <32C25FB0.4382@student.uu.se>,
>Lars Westergren <lars.westergren.6545@student.uu.se> responded:
[snip Lars' charming and self-effacing homily]
>Hey, you guys, quit talking about serious and important stuff here!
>This is a.r.s, dammit!
Oh damn.  Busted.  
Give us a break, Officer.  Lars fell in with evil companions, and I
just fell in.  We didn't mean no harm.  
>And no, the ARSCC won't look the other way just because your crime is
>hidden away in a corner in an off-topic thread.  
We wasn't off-topic.  Isn't this the Finno-Ugrian Hospitality
Center? It isn't?  Well, there you have it.  We didn't know no
better. Frankly, I blame society.
>Both of you report 
>to Ethics, Jokers and Degraders department, immediately!
Puh-leeeeze Officer, I can't do any more time in the ARSCC RPF.
Boy dogs don't hardly go on the rag -- even gray ones.
>(Thanks a lot to both of you for brightening up my holiday season.
>Hope yours continues to be joy-filled as well.)
Whew!  Hey Lars!  I think she's gonna let us off with a warning.
That was close.
Y'know lady cops make my hot Finno-Ungrian blood boil.  Such a
stickler for topicality and netiquette in such a cute package!
Boy, it'd be fun to audit _her_ bawdy thetans, huh?
Uh oh.  She's coming back.
Yes'm.  We were just discussing Scientology while you were away.
Promise.
>Prignillius
Funny name for a cop.  And howcome the ARSCC makes her drive one of
them Huge.hairy.palms.anonymous.remailer.com's?  I'm told they can
make you go blind if you use 'em too much.
Well, I've seen the light.  I'm gonna scrape what's left of Jimminy
Cricket off the bottom of my paw (Paw was a Titan), and do whatever
he tells me from now on.  I'm gonna be Mr. On-Topic.  You betcha.
I appreciate now what a serious business this whole a.r.s. thing
is, and how folks posting here should maintain a sober and
thoughtful demeanor while discussing the issues that embroil the
newsgroup even as we speak.
So, are Scientologists, like, any good in the sack?  What about
ARSCC traffic cops?  Just askin'.
Cerberus
_________________
[Conscience] is a dangerous thing.  It makes a man a coward.  A man
cannot steal, but it accuseth him.  He cannot swear, but it checks
him.  He cannot lie with his neighbor's wife, but it detects him.
It is a blushing shamefast spirit that mutinies in a man's bosom.
It fills one full of obstacles. ...  It beggars any man that keeps
it.  It is turned out of all towns and cities for a dangerous
thing, and every man that means to live well endeavours to trust to
himself and to live without it.
         Richard III, Act I, Scene 4
==========end re-post==============
cerberus@phlegethon.com
cerberus@aol.com ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"In Germany they first came for the insane, raving, IQ-testing,
barratrous, money-laundering, tax-dodging cultists, and I didn't
speak up because I was not an insane, raving, IQ-testing, barratrous,
money-laundering, tax-dodging cultist.  Then things got MUCH better,
and we're all fine now.  Thanks for asking."
                           Pastor Martin Niemoller III (Germany, 2003)
                                        http://www.xenu.net
                                     http://freehenson.tripod.com
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